Oh my Days!

Just been back through and had a good old clearout finally of some of the nonsense posts which came over from my old blog and the blog before that.  Felt good to get rid of some of it.  My word, my writing style was appalling (not that it’s much better these days).

I sit at a computer, all day, every day.  I don’t know why I find it so hard to just get a blog post written every now and then.  I guess I worry, other blogs are always so colourful and full of photos etc.  Mine’s usually just words, stream of conciousness stuff.  Not massively interesting, it’s usually just about how crap I feel.

I’ve not felt too crap lately, my current medication has seen to that, but I feel a little bit numb and disconnected because of it, which is, weird.  I did had a dip last week, I’m still not sure if I’m over it.

One thing that occurred to me at the weekend is just how much of an anxious person I’ve become.  Especially in social situations.  I just kinda freeze, and struggle to find anything interesting to say.  Maybe it’s another consequence of the medication and the numbness, but the thought of going somewhere new, or somewhere full of people I don’t really know, music I don’t like, no dark corners to just sit in and watch others enjoy themselves, I panic.  That’s pretty much what I did at the weekend, I probably came across as a right oddball, but I just couldn’t cope with the thought of going somewhere different.

Even thinking of going on holiday freaks me out, for the above reasons, but also the thought of going somewhere hot and having to strip off, or wear sleeveless tops.  I’ve done absolutely bugger all with regards to losing weight recently, I’ve done nothing to help myself at all.  Even the gym, we’re going to cancel (but I do have other exercise plans up my sleeve, don’t worry!)  Oh how I long to go on a gorgeous beach holiday and be able to wear vests and shorts and tankini’s and not worry!  One day.  I hope.

This entry was posted in Life.

Time Flies…

Not that I’ve been having much fun!

Let’s just say, the beginning of the year did not get off to the best start.  For numerous reasons.  Mainly to do with some marriage issues.  And that’s all I’ll say.

I am pleased to report though that we’re putting things back together, slowly but surely.  We’re working on our (my) issues and trying to fix it.

Things have been a bit hectic since my last post.  Christmas, coming back to work and ‘those’ issues have all taken their toll, and suddenly I find myself in April.

I want to do a bit of a post for Depression Awareness Week but I’ll do that separately.  I wanted to let you all (my few readers) know that I was still here, still surviving.

I went on a very enlightening course in March to target my anger issues.  I came back feeling empowered and ready to put a different spin on things.  I’m mostly working my programme but as part of that, I need to get back into journalling and blogging as a way of making me present and aware.  Which is hard when you sit at a desk all day and wish the hours away and try everything in your power not to be present!

We’re moving house again in a few weeks time.  The new place is smaller, but closer to Worcester Park.  There’s not a lot of bulky storage (boy, am I going to miss the garage!) and has built in wardrobes so it’s going to be interesting to see where we’re going to put everything.  Already I’m having kittens about the kids toys, (Scarlett’s room is certainly smaller), and also all the stuff from our study.  I’m thinking of just putting majority of my books into storage or something until we eventually buy a place and I can have some fitted bookcases made!  I feel however, that it’s a more realistic move for us.  Ultimately we will end up in something this size (or possibly smaller) thanks to the fucked up market in our part of the UK, so I think it’s a good time to have a clear out of all the stuff that’s been hanging around for the last year.

Scarlett continues to do well at school.  Her reading and writing know no bounds (though, her writing still needs work, I’m still cursing the school for insisting on teaching them cursive, I kind of think it’s holding her back!).  Her listening still needs work and her iPad use is quite frankly ridiculous, but she keeps us down with the kids through her YouTube viewing….!

Woody is finally walking, and has suddenly become a proper mini person in the last couple of weeks.  I like him a lot more than I did this time last year (honesty is the best policy, right?!)  He knows what he wants, and isn’t afraid to throw a tantrum if he doesn’t get it.  But it is getting a bit easier with his pointing at what he wants.  His current vocabulary includes, “Hiya”, “Iggle Piggle”, “Sgar sgar” (Scarlett) and “Des Des” (his childminder).  He’s very good at nodding and shaking his head and seems to mostly get this right, though it does have hilarious uses, “Woody, are you a monkey?” *Nods head vigourously*.

We’ve joined a gym in an effort to shift the horrific amount of weight we’ve gained in recent months (years!).  It’s going well so far though Andy has yet to make it up there.  We need to do some Saturday morning’s together when the kids can go to the crèche/kids activities and Andy and I can get 2 hours in.  I’ve been trying to go as much as I can, I have aqua tonight and I’m very excited about it!

Work is….  Yeah, well, work is work.  I’m not massively enjoying it, I miss being at home (I mean, who wouldn’t!).  I wish I could go part time but that’s not going to happen any time soon (if ever!)  It’s a bit depressing to think I might have another 40 years of working ahead of me.  I cannot be stuck doing admin forever, I seem to have lost any skills.  I feel sometimes like I could’ve done anything, but I threw it all away about 13 years ago and that was that.  I’d love to work for myself, but doing what I don’t know.  It’s very hard to feel that expanse of time ahead of you, with no real goal of how you want to fill it.

Any ideas?!

This entry was posted in Life.

Hoping to Move On

It’s here. The eve I’ve been dreading.

I wanted to write this tonight because I don’t want Woody’s birthday to be darkened with my PTSD.  But I had to get it out there.  I hope people can understand.

All day I’ve been thinking about sitting on the antenatal ward, waiting.  Waiting for a bed to become free.  It never happened.  Eventually we asked to be discharged on the promise of being induced the next day.  The weather was horrible that day and I’m glad today has been a bright sunny day, so unlike this time last year.

I’ve also been thinking of someone who did have her baby a year ago today.  If she’s reading, I’m sorry.  I had intentions of posting a card through her door for her son but chickened out, she’s probably the last person she wants to hear from. But I think of her often, of the horrid things I said, of the way she made me feel, of my own issues which I projected onto her and the childish way I acted.  And I’m sorry for all that.

I’m scared about how I might feel tomorrow.  I so want to enjoy the day, it is, after all, Woody’s first birthday.  Something momentous, and joyous.  But I’m worried I’m going to have these niggling thoughts in the back of my mind.

Really, it’s the 18th I should be worried about.  Maybe that’s the day I should have my funk, enjoy Woody’s day tomorrow, and be prepared for the sinking feeling come the 18th.

Woody was born at 11:47 (a time etched into my mind as it was the time I frequently woke in a cold sweat for weeks after his birth).  So really, the shit didn’t hit the fan until the early hours on the 18th.  I should fear that date more.

And what is it I’m scared of?  I think the flashbacks.  They’ve been getting more frequent the last few days.  The things that happened, the way I felt, the things I told myself.  Like an out of/in body experience.  As in, I can clearly, vividly remember lying there, under the blanket, being attacked with needles.  And then of lying in HDU, the darkness of that ward, the painful surges of morphine through my veins.  It is vivid.  Really, fucking, vivid.  It’s real.  It’s become a really sad part of my life.

There are lots, LOTS of people who think I need to let go but I don’t know how.  I am seeking help for that though.  I meet with a therapist on Friday to see if she’s the right one to help me overcome not just this, but all the other things that have troubled me for the last 15 years of my life.  If she’s not the right one, I will carry on searching as I have to fix myself.

On a brighter note, I’m working on some lovely things to share the rest of this week, time will tell whether I find the time to bring them to fruition.


This entry was posted in Life.

A Month of “A Year Ago’s”

So here we are. Two weeks away from Woody’s first birthday.  And of course, all I can think is, “This time last year….”

This time last year I finished work.

This time last year I woke up with my hands and feet itching.

This time last year I was in and out of MAU daily.

Next week will symbolise the defining moment I agreed to be induced.

And the week after that will commemorate not only Woody’s first birthday, but also something a little darker.

I’ve made no bones about the fact I’ve struggled this year.  Not sure why I thought motherhood was going to be a walk in the park, boy has it been hard work, don’t know whether it’s because he’s a boy, but Woody is very trying at times!  I often fret and worry that it all goes back to his birth, that maybe somehow it was my fault, that perhaps he’s such a pain at times because of his birth, lack of oxygen for the first few minutes, did the forceps squish his head the wrong way??!

Ridiculous.  Welcome to my brain ladies and gentlemen.

I’m hoping that with the arrival, and passing, of the 17th, something will be laid to rest.  I don’t know if it will be, but I really hope it will be.

It seems to have turned me into an utterly horrible person at times, angry, short tempered (worse than I was before!).  Is that PTSD, PND or am I just a c**t?!  I asked myself this a lot, I usually come to the conclusion it’s the latter, certainly a lot of people close to me have decided that, but actually, as someone told me earlier, I’m ill.  But getting that across to those closest to me is hard, and I get accused of making excuses; that I use it because I can’t be arsed.  The fact is, I’d like to be arsed.  Don’t you think I’d like to be supermummy, and be out, doing it all, enjoying it.  Instead I’m at home, too scared to go out, unsure of how to deal with his tantrums and his crying and SCREAMING!  Afraid of the looks I get when he does any of the above.

It’s hard work.  My brain is whirring constantly; one thing, the next thing, the other thing, ALL the things.  When Woody wakes me in the night, my brain rejoices, “Ahahaa, I can start whirring again now you’re concious and keep you awake for another hour!”  I’m a zombie a lot of the time, and that’s boring.

I fear I’m pushing my family away, Scarlett especially.  I just want to lie in bed, catch up on sleep, not think, try to stop the whirring.  But instead she wants me to build things and be creative.  And I’m a horrible mummy because I usually just put her off, until eventually she grows bored and starts watching Stampy videos on YouTube (which winds me up because his voice is fucking irritating!!).

There have been times when I figure I should run away, she’d probably be happier at times without me, certainly without me shouting.  She doesn’t listen to me but apparently that’s because she doesn’t respect me (or like me apparently).  So I do sometimes think, Ah fuck it, they’d all be better off without me.

But they probably wouldn’t.  I need to get help, but I don’t know where to start.

Any ideas?!


This entry was posted in Life.

Newsflash! I’m Still Here!

I am still here, surviving, riding that giant rollercoaster.

Lately I’ve had a few conversations with people about Woody’s birth. The first time it just happened, a new friend asked, and I gabbled it out, surprised at how big the lump in my throat was, but how desperately I wanted her to know what had happened, her concern touched me and I felt I had to get it out, the dark little secret which hasn’t been told to anyone new in a while.

The second time was on Twitter, and I headlined it purely with, “I nearly died”.

Now, I kind of feel like I need to stop putting it in those terms, I guess I do it because, “What?! You nearly died?! Tell me more!”  Why do I go straight for the jugular (ha, funny story, they couldn’t even get a line into my jugular, because I was…. nearly dead).  See, even in my own garbled trains of thought, the fact that I thought I wasn’t going to make it still seems to come to the forefront.

Is this normal after such a traumatic event? Is it any less interesting to tell people the actual truth rather than the shocking headline?

I think I do it because it’s quite a long story, I feel like I want an index card with bullet points thus:

  • I wanted a VBAC
  • I developed Obstetric Cholestasis; it’s a problem with your liver; it can be quite serious, the only cure is to give birth
  • They didn’t have an Elective Section slots booked; I chose to be induced despite my better judgement and the research I had done
  • ARM (Artificial Rupture of Membranes) didn’t work; they gave me Syntocinon
  • They gave me too much Syntocinon
  • Woody was in distress; his heart rate was Bradycardic
  • He was born via episiotomy and forceps; yes, I had an Epidural; no, my bits aren’t the same but I’m too scared to see anyone about it
  • I lost 3.8l of blood; that’s about 80% of my total blood volume (or so I am told)
  • I went into hypovolemic shock; my veins started collapsing; they were even trying my feet and groin to try and get a line in somewhere; even my jugular collapsed
  • I thought I was going to die; so did Andy – he actually thought we were both going to die
  • Woody didn’t breathe on his own for 4 minutes; within 10 minutes he was doing okay but he was still taken to neonatal care for observation
  • Eventually I went to theatre; I was then sent to HDU for 36 hours so I didn’t see Woody until that time
  • I’m generally in a pretty messed up place about it; I don’t know where to get help from; I cry when I think about it

I think that about sums it up, and it’s not any less traumatic or shocking, but it’s just easier to go straight for the bottom line.  Although, yes, thank you, the bottom line should be, WE SURVIVED THE FUCK OUT OF THAT SHIT!

I know it sounds all very dramatic, and well, it was actually. And I know I sound melodramatic for either going on about it, or dwelling on it, or continuing to battle with my emotions over it, but that’s to be expected, surely?  Am I not allowed that?

I’m not saying I like dwelling on it, and actually, even just looking up Uterine Rupture or Hypovolemic Shock scares the shit out of me, but it’s something that will forever be here, indelibly marked in my soul, I have the scars to show.

I’ve had some incredibly hard times lately, I’ve mostly wanted to hide in bed a lot of the time, but that’s no good when you have two children!  Andy keeps asking me, “What’s the matter?”, but I invariably don’t really know, and I feel like everyone gets mad at me when I say, “Just thinking about Woody’s birth again” or even, “I don’t really know.” In fact, the latter seems to wind Andy up more than the former.  It’s hard for people to help you when they don’t know what’s wrong.  That’s frustrating beauty of depression, right?!

Even last night, I started thinking about the operation I’m going to need to have my gallbladder removed, and I started panicking; the thought of going into theatre, of going under, of the pain of recovery.  It should be a walk in the park compared to what I went through, but, there it goes, sneaking back up on me, reminding me how awful it was.

And that’s sad.  I’ve spoken before about how ultimately sad I am about Woody’s birth. He’s growing into an utterly amazing, adorable, characterful little boy, and in some ways I’m glad, because he has not been an easy baby, but then I think, but you’re not that little newborn any more, I missed that, because I was so ill and suffering SO tremendously from PTSD and flashbacks and all sorts of nonsense,which I still am, but to a much lesser extent.

Anyway, I’m rambling now.  Heh, that’s my blog for you…!

I have lots of other things to update on and I will do, in more happy posts.  Needless to say, I’m back bitches!

This entry was posted in Life.